What Did I Ever Do to You, Julia Roberts?!?

So, My Best Friend’s Wedding. You’ve seen this movie, yes? So has everyone. It’s a fantastic movie and, over 20 years since its release, still cited as one of the all-time greatest romantic comedies of our time. Or ever, really.

I watched this movie approximately 140 times in high school and definitely several times in college, but I haven’t really sat down to watch it recently. So when I saw it on TV the other day, I thought to myself, “Hey! That’s a fun movie!” I put it on to play in the background while I did some chores around the house.

In the words of Ms. Roberts herself, “BIIIIG mistake. Big. HUGE.”

(Yes, I realize this reference is from the other classic Roberts/Gere chick flick, but whatever.)

Why is that? Well, if you’ve ever watched a movie as an adult that you loved as a child, you may be aware of that phenomenon where you notice aspects of the movie you completely missed before, and all of a sudden the movie is totally different. Such is the case in My Best Friend’s Wedding.

Let’s review the plot of this movie for a second:

My Best Friend's Wedding pic

Julia Roberts plays Julianne, who is best friends with the super sexy Michael, played by Dermot Mulroney. They dated once and then evolved into best friends after the breakup. They made a pact to get married to one another if they reached a certain age and hadn’t yet found anyone else. One day Michael calls up Julianne to tell her that he’s getting married to Cameron Diaz, playing the role that has made me hate her throughout her entire career, and Julianne decides she should be the bride, not Miss Ditz, and hijinks ensue. Also, Rupert Everett heralds in the era of the romcom staple gay best friend with the pretty fantastic line, “Death by minibar… How glamorous.”

Oh, and… THIS:

Rupert Everett plastic surgery before after
In case you’re wondering what you’re looking at, that’s actor Rupert Everett there on the left, looking pretty fine. And then on the right, that’s… Rupert Everett. Don’t do plastic surgery, kids.

So what did I notice in this film that just suddenly, completely knocked it out of my top 5 favorite romcoms of all time?

Because the two main characters – the best friends – pledged to get married to one another were they still unmarried at the ripe ole age of… 28.

Twenty-eight.

28.

Let’s talk for a second here:

TWENTY-EIGHT YEARS OLD.

IF THESE TWO FRIENDS HADN’T FOUND THEIR LIFELONG SOULMATES BY THE AGE OF 28, THEY WOULD GIVE UP AND JUST MARRY EACH OTHER BECAUSE IT CLEARLY WAS NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN.

Jim Carrey Oh Come On

Let’s talk for a second here:

In this movie, Julia Roberts’ character is 27. Which explains her overwhelming, insane quest to lock down the man of her dreams ASAP. The clock is ticking. Good thing she’s killing it in her career as a food critic – you know, accomplishing her big career goal by age 27, as most of us do – so that she can really hunker down and focus on this plan to not die of old age by 30.

Scarlett Johansson age
I know the career’s going well Scarlett, but it’s time to wrap it up and focus on finding a husband.

Question for the readers: When you were 27, did you also have an established, successful career as a renowned food critic, as Julianne does? You know, I was always under the impression that food critics were a little snobby and said things like “playfully piquant” or “nutty with an unexpected sweetness,” and looked down on fast food, but I guess I don’t know what I’m talking about, since Julianne says things like “inventive” and eats ballpark hot dogs like they’re five-star delicacies.

Well, that’s just great. I guess if you’re Julia Roberts you can just “inventive” your way all the way up to the top of the food critic ladder a handful of years after finishing undergrad. Which is super convenient, you know, considering that you only have 6 YEARS BETWEEN GRADUATING COLLEGE AND BECOMING A SPINSTER.

TWENTY-EIGHT YEARS OLD.

I just…. You know what? Movie ruined. RUINED.

Ugh… TWENTY-EIGHT?!?!? A MARRIAGE PACT AT 28!?!?

I just… I just can’t. I can’t.

In the words of Temperance Brennan, aka Bones, “Late marriage is often an indicator of a discerning, goal-oriented individual.”

I agree, Bones. It is. IT TOTALLY IS.

And she would know. Look who she ended up with.

Booth smile Bones

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