I Went 32 Years on This Earth Before Ever Eating Taco Bell

You know what I love? Fast food. It’s delicious. There’s nothing like a good cheeseburger and fries with an ice cold Coke.

In fact, I love fast food so much that I can easily identify the differences between different fast food chains’ Cokes by taste alone. A friend of mine works for Coke and our first conversation revolved around how McDonald’s Cokes taste different from Chick-Fil-A Cokes, which taste different from Burger King Cokes (they use Freestyles, BOO!!!), which taste different from Krystal Cokes, and on and on.

Step Brothers gif

But do you want to hear something wild? Despite having all this fast food experience, up until a few months ago, I had never had Taco Bell.


Yeah. Never. Not once. Never had Taco Bell.

Taco Bell dog
That’s disappointment in the Taco Bell dog’s eyes.

How is that possible, you ask? Meh, I dunno. I just never pulled in there when I was hungry. I didn’t really love Mexican food until the last few years, and by then my drive-in habits were well established.

But Taco Bell is barely Mexican food, you say. Oh, I know. I hear you. I recognize the absurdity of what I’ve become. But here we are.

Altuve World SeriesAnyway. What grand event challenged my habits and made me take the bold move of finally walking into a Taco Bell?

The 2017 MLB World Series.

(Of course this relates to baseball. Did you think it wouldn’t?)

So Taco Bell has this promotion during the World Series of “Steal a Base, Steal a Taco.” It’s basically just that. The first person to steal a base during the World Series wins everyone in America a free Taco Bell taco on a set day. Cameron Maybin (former Atlanta Brave!) stole a base during the 2nd game of the World Series (Go ‘Stros!), and Taco Bell announced that America would get their free tacos on Friday, November 1.

So I decided, now’s the time. I’m gonna go get myself that free taco.

I head over to my local Taco Bell that afternoon and order myself one Doritos Locos taco (free! Thanks, Maybin!,) and one regular hard shell taco.

I am not nearly as intimidated by the ordering process as I expected – yes, I know that sounds silly, BUT I’VE NEVER BEEN TO TACO BELL BEFORE AND I DON’T WANT TO DISPLAY MY NIAVETE AND GET MADE FUN OF BY THE REGULARS.

SNL Tacos

I don’t particularly love the Doritos taco – although I do love the entire concept – just because I felt the nacho cheese flavor took away from the taco. The regular taco I actually really like. It’s nothing fancy, it’s just a standard, non-spicy, pretty Americanized fast food version of a taco.

Which is exactly how I like my Mexican food, so it was perfect. (I think the queso at Moe’s is spicy, so I tend to go as American and non-spicy as possible when ordering tacos. Yeah, yeah, I know, I’m a wimp. I also don’t like any toppings on my pizza, just as much cheese as can physically fit on the crust. So enjoy that little boring tidbit about myself.)

So there’s my official review of Taco Bell tacos, something everyone on the planet has had 100 million times before: Good. Cheap.

Welp, that’s all I got. I finally feel like I can now identify with the rest of normal society.

Dave Franco Taco Bell

OH, ONE LAST THING – Taco Bell has a special kind of Mountain Dew called Baja Blast and it is NOT delicious at all. If I were to rank it in my official ranking, I’d put it around a 4 out of 9.