Hello. For those of you who have been reading this blog for a while, you’ll know that last year I reluctantly enjoyed my first foray into the reality television dating world when I watched The Bachelor. It was Nick Viall’s season, and it was completely underwhelming.
Mostly because the bachelor was a guy who dressed like this and was about as smart as he looked.
In general, watching his season was about as fun as watching paint dry.
But, because I am a winner, and WINNERS DON’T QUIT, I wasn’t content merely to watch one single season of The Bachelor and be done with it. No, no, no. My enabler friends informed me that the real entertainment of the Bachelor franchise is The Bachelorette.
So I prepared myself for another soul-sucking season of reality trash TV, and when I say “prepared,” I mean PREPARED.
There was Bachelorette BINGO. There was a Bachelorette draft, made easy by a handy, dandy chart. One of my friends gave a PowerPoint presentation on the high and very, very low points of the Bachelor franchise as a whole so we would better understand it.
But nothing, no matter how many BINGO boxes we filled or heart stickers we put next to our draft pick’s faces, could have prepared us for the magical discovery that was to come with this season of The Bachelorette….
Ladies and… Well, probably even more ladies, I’d like to introduce you to Peter:
Just for fun, here’s another picture:
Peter is as close to being perfect as a man can get.* He is beautiful and wonderful and looking at him reminds you of how you felt the very first time you watched The Notebook in theaters and discovered Ryan Gosling.
*I say this knowing full well that I’ve never met the man and have no idea what he’s like in real life, I’m going solely on what he presented on the show.
One of the best things about Peter is the fact that he was – unlike literally every other person who’s ever been on this show – actually aware that he was on a TV show, and reluctant to propose to a woman he’d only known for a month.
That made him all the more beautiful – he doesn’t want to propose until he knows he’s found the one, and it’s unrealistic and unfair to both of them for him to propose right now.
This conversation took place during the most romantic 5 minutes of footage reality TV has ever produced.
But Rachel, the Bachelorette, lost ALL the respect I had for her the entire season by sending Peter home and picking THIS BOY who looks like an extra from MTV Spring Break and acts like his goal in life is to get the top score on Grand Theft Auto.
She chose that over THIS:
All of that is to say, the finale wasn’t well received but I was happy that Peter got out of there while he could.
But when the casting announcements came out for the new Bachelor, there was all sort of drama about who it could possibly be, with one of the Bachelor producers and Reality Steve (the go-to inside source for all things Bachelor) hinting that Peter was the likely choice.
Well, sign me up. Casting Peter is literally the only way I’m tuning into this franchise ever again. I told my friends they could get one full season out of me, and I’m only making an exception to that if Peter shows back up.
But then, disaster struck:
They cast a poor man’s Peter. Some guy named Arie – a losing contestant from so many years ago he wasn’t even mentioned in the Powerpoint – in hopes of capturing the demographic ABC had recently learned finds older men with salt and pepper hair attractive.
WRONG. WRONG CHOICE, ABC.
I think I’ve made my opinion clear, and you beter believe the internet made their opinion clear at the time. And continues, WITH EVERY SINGLE EPISODE THAT AIRS STARRING NOT-PETER, to make their opinion clear.
Please enjoy my favorite selection of “Where’s Peter?” social media posts.