Y’all remember how I hit my future husband with a car? That Ryan Hansen-looking slice of heaven with superhero boxers?
Yeah, okay, so I found him.
No, no, not like in person, I didn’t run into his car again, or just bump into him at the grocery store, or drop my glove at an ice skating rink and he found it and then we knew we were meant to be together.
I found him…. (*looks around, lowers voice*) online.
Yeah, that’s right, using only the memory of his absolutely beautiful face and the name of the company he told me he worked for, I found my future husband.
His name is Matthew.
Not Matt, but Matthew. Doesn’t that sound so much more romantic and handsome and smart? Isn’t that such a baseball player’s name? Won’t it look great written on our wedding invitations?
I know so much more than just his first name, though.
I know his last name, his company, his company’s address, his job title, his entire work history, his relationship status (single!), his political affiliation, his favorite bands, his favorite restaurants, where he went to school, his favorite TV shows, his mother’s name, and what part of town he lives in.
… Please don’t put me in jail. Just give me a second to explain how this happened.
After my little fender bender with Matthew, I had a morning meeting at work. I texted everyone to say I’d had a small accident and would be a few minutes late. When I arrived at work, everyone was just waiting for me, talking about my wreck and predicting its severity.
It had not been bad, I explained.
Then why was I so flushed, demanded one of my female coworkers.
I remained silent.
There was a hot guy! She accused.
I tried to remain professional, but could not deny it.
Our meeting then proceeded as planned, but THE MOMENT it ended, every girl in the room turned to look at me, demanding details. Most of the guys left.
I told them the story and they decided that now was as good a time as any to do what girls do best – a little light stalking. Everyone pulled out their laptops and got to work. One girl pulled up Facebook, the other Instagram, the other LinkedIn, and so on.
We started with LinkedIn, because that’s all we knew – just his company. One of my coworkers volunteered her computer since LinkedIn shows you who’s recently viewed your page, and it just wouldn’t be great if he saw my face pop up. We entered his company and got over 700 results. So we messed around with a few filters regarding probable job level based on his age, and city of residence based on the route he was taking into the office. Down to only 350 results, we then narrowed it to only the guys who had profile pictures, since that was literally the only way I could identify him.
After a few minutes of scrolling with everyone providing commentary over my shoulder at each guy we passed, I found him! His name was Matthew….
And his profile was public.
Thus, the last name, school, job history, and other interests were revealed.
With a name secured, it was time to jump on the other social networks. It didn’t take us more than two minutes to find all of his social media accounts which were, disappointingly, private. But, he still had plenty of profile photos that were very informative.
His favorite sports teams were obvious based on his t-shirts and hats, and his political affiliation was reveled by a campaign bumper sticker hanging on the fridge behind him in a picture.
For the record, I AM NOT PROUD OF THIS.
Except a little part of me, the part obsessed with Nancy Drew and Harriet the Spy, is super proud of this.
Someone suggested we next tackle online dating profiles, but that idea was ultimately shut down since a) none of us had accounts to any sites, and b) we couldn’t think of a single thing creepier than a dude sitting in his office, randomly getting a notification on his phone that the girl who just rammed into him with her car just matched with him on a dating site.
I mean, I’m fine with y’all knowing I went a little off the rails, but that’s not something Matthew needs to know. At least not until one day I tell him all of this as an adorable “remember when” story over expensive cocktails at fancy Parisian resort he got us a suite in to celebrate our 10th anniversary.
Anyway, after finding as much as we could online, my little improptu hacker cell called it a day. We closed our laptops and left the office in single file, silently agreeing to clear our history and never speak of this again.
And in answer to your question… No. I have not contact Matthew. Because frankly, that would be creepy. And even if I pulled a super subtle move – occasionally checking in on his social media to see if he would post about being at a certain bar on a certain night so I could *accidentally* bump into him, thus hilariously recreating our first meeting and instantly giving us a clever way to break the ice…
I’m afraid I know too much about him now. I jinxed it.
Stay safe online, y’all. You never know what kind of creeper out there is displaying giant pictures of you on the projector at her office.