Someone Who Has Never Seen Game of Thrones Explains Game of Thrones

Quick note to clear a few things up: No, I’ve never seen it. No, really, I’ve never seen it. Literally everything I know about Game of Thrones is solely from paying attention to headlines on EW.com or just noticing what’s going on in pop culture in general. I bet if you’d never seen Star Wars, you could still give me a fairly accurate depiction of what happens in the trilogy based on what you’ve seen on the internet. This is the same thing.

First of all, everyone is naked. And any death that happens is graphic.

Okay, here we go.

So, there’s a girl named Khaleesi who has long, blonde wig and dark brown eyebrows, just like Legolas. She’s very pretty and with this guy named Khal Drago, who is now Aquaman and throws hatchets in real life and is very manly.

There is also a guy named Jon Snow. He is very handsome. He knows nothing. But I don’t know why he knows nothing.

Jon Snow

There are other people there in Game of Thrones land… Which I believe is called Westero? Or something?, including a brother and sister (named Cersei?) who are, ahem, together, the blonde woman who played the silver stormtrooper in The Force Awakens even though she never took off her helmet, and a guy named Ned Stark.

I think Sean Bean is there too, but since it’s Sean Bean, I can only imagine he’s dramatically killed off after one or two seasons.

Lannister
There are Lannisters – who always pay their debts – and Starks. And there’s Tyrione (?) Lannister, a womaizer who likes to drink wine, played by Peter Dinklage.

The little kid Christian Bale’s Batman (aka the real Batman) saved from the Scarecrow is now grown up and he’s a king – King Joffrey. Everyone hates him, all the way down to his very core. He is terrible and the worst and no one even begrudgingly likes him.

He’s basically Ted Mosby.

He sits on an Iron Throne made of swords that looks uncomfortable, and I really hope I got that part wrong, because that throne looks awesome and I really think only someone like Aragorn from Lord of the Rings or The Rock deserve to sit there.

There’s also a little girl – Arya Stark, maybe? – who has some crazy eyebrows that are unbelievable. She invented the phrase “on fleek.” (Do y’all remember “on fleek”? What a weird world we live in.) She’s a little kid and this big guy who looks like Frankie from Boy Meets World carries her around on his back.

Then there’s fighting and stuff goes down. I’m really fuzzy on the details for that, but it’s either families fighting or nations fighting, or people fighting just for the sake of fighting.

Khaleesi

At some point, Aquaman leaves to go play Aquaman, and Khaleesi gets naked and walks through fire and now she’s the mother of dragons or something and she has a bunch of dragon eggs and dragon babies and they love her and you know that when this show ends she’s going to have taken over everything and everyone because she literally has a bunch of dragons doing her bidding. Is she part dragon? She can walk through fire. Someone explain that to me.

Okay, so back on track. More stuff goes down, there’s more incest and nudity, and then the angry elf from Elf slaps the little kid from Batman and the internet rejoices. Then there’s something called the Red Wedding, during which Joffrey is poisoned and dies so the actor can go to college or whatever, and the pictures that are posted everywhere online of his death are really gross.

Oh wait! Sean Bean is still alive, I think! Because winter is still coming! It hasn’t come yet, I know that much, but I know that Sean Bean is the one who said it, because he’s in that meme.

Winter is Coming

Okay, so Joffrey is dead, Khaleesi is a dragon mom, and Jon Snow knows nothing.

There’s a battle with white walkers that look like a mix between the blue guy from Watchmen and the undead pirates from Pirates of the Caribeean. I don’t know if the walkers are good or bad (I’m assuming bad,) but if they’re anything like walkers from Walking Dead, I know that they would never have been able to mobilize into an army if Rick Grimes had been there to shut that down.

Little girl with killer eyebrows grows up a little bit and pretends to be a boy and starts training with swords. (Maybe?) Jon Snow continues to do stuff that I really do not know anything about, but I know whatever he does is noble, heroic, manly, and makes all the girls on tumblr swoon.

At some point one of the women on the show – maybe the incestuous sister?  – gets her hair cut really short and has to walk around a city naked. As punishment for something? I’m not sure.

Then Jon Snow is killed and lays dead and bleeding in the snow with blood dripping onto the ice. The show has a cliffhanger and the world mourns… At least until he’s seen around town where they’re filming the show and he hasn’t cut his hair.

So they come back and surprise! Jon Snow is alive! And then Jon Snow either gets a wolf, can talk to wolves, or is now a wolf. I’m not really clear on that part, I just know that he’s alive and we don’t have to collectively riot, a la if Daryl died on Walking Dead. (Which had better never happen.)

Hodor

I think Khaleesi is little more in charge of things now, and then Arya’s friend dies. His
name was Hodor, and all he ever said was “Hodor” because when he was little someone said “Hold the door” and that’s like a whole thing.

Also, George R.R. Martin apparently remains super unconcerned about churning these books out in any sort of hurry, whatsoever.

Arya wears armor now and is kick-butt and grown up and has a list of people she’s going to kill. And I will start watching this show if someone tells me that now it’s just about her and dragon lady, running around the country together, kicking butt and taking names. And also hanging out with Jon Snow, wolfman.

Which brings us to this week’s premiere episode, in which I believe winter finally came in the form of Ed Sheeran.

Ed Sheeren Game of Thrones

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