I love nail polish. I don’t believe that love is a strong enough word. I adore nail polish. I have too many bottles to count.*
*This is false. I know exactly how many bottles I have because every bottle is carefully counted, labeled and on display. It’s… a very, very large number. That’s all you need to know.
I love the creativity that comes with nail polish – you can turn your hands into ten mini works of art that could represent anything. Show love to your favorite fictional characters or sports team, psych yourself up for a big day with a subtle power color, or celebrate a holiday.
Plus, since it’s so ~on trend~ now to have crazy nails, beauty brands have picked up on that and now you can use anything, and I mean anything to color your nails.
As little as something like 5 years ago, your only option was nail polish. (And what a wonderful, perfect, magnificent option that still is.)
But now, good grief, there are about 152,000 different ways to dress up your nails. Including, but not limited to: various degrees of matte polish, stickers, powders, gels, beads, piercings, spray paint, tattoos, and more.
Which I completely, whole-heartedly support. But there are some nail polish trends that are, frankly, just taking things too far.
And so I present to you, in no particular order:
Nail Polish Trends I Would Only Try If I Were Really, Really Bored:
Bubble nails: These are absurd. You are literally turning your fingernails into gumballs. How do you pick anything up? How do you scratch an itch? This is cute as an idea, but ultimately wouldn’t work out that well. Compared to other stuff on this list, though, it’s nothing.
Aquarium nails: You either drill a hole into acrylic nails and seal the top and bottom layers or just use a hollow acrylic nail? Or something? And then fill the nail with liquid so your fingernails are basically those pens that you flip back and forth to watch the bathing suit pull on and off of the hula dancer. Cool, but ridiculous and way too involved.
Duck feet nails: I…. Just…. I don’t need to explain why this is terrible, right?
100-layer nails: Yes, that’s right. 100 layers of nail polish. In defense of the YouTuber who did this (whom I love), it was definitely done as a joke and way to get views, not as a suggested nail style… But you just know people have done this for real.
Stiletto nails: This is how you kill someone if you’re the villain in a Bond movie. Or, if you’re just a normal person, this is how you “poke your eyes out” as your mom always said you would.
Furry nails: Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, EW! Did they just chop the hair off of Troll dolls and stick it on there?
3D nails: So many pictures are on the internet of people adding little 3D doodads on the tops of the nails. Which is cute and all, but wouldn’t those catch on… Well, everything?
Dipped or frostbitten nails: You can’t really search for these anymore, as they were only famous for a hot second after Lorde rocked this look during a televised performance, and now the term “dipped nails” refers to dip powder nails. But I just imagine if had this manicure, I’d leave smudges everywhere, a la Tobias Funke.