20 Things That Would Probably Feel Better than This Caffeine Headache

I love Coca-Cola. (Unless it’s from a Coke Freestyle.) I love it more than I love most people. It is delicious, it makes me happy, and drinking it makes life worth living. I enjoy a nice, ice-cold Coke once… or twice… or thrice… Sometimes four times a day. Because it is perfection.

I also love Mountain Dew in a way that’s probably unhealthy.

MLB girl sugar high
Pictured: Me, on a daily basis.

If you add up all the statements above, you’ll probably reach the not-incorrect conclusion that I have a little, teeny-tiny addiction to Coke. From time to time, when the signs are glaring at me and I can no longer avoid my obvious addiction, I try to quit cold turkey for a few weeks just to prove to myself that the mantra “I’m fine, I can stop anytime I want,” really is true, and just to perhaps stave off the inevitable sugar-related death as long as possible.

I don’t know if you’ve ever skipped the daily dose of coffee and/or Coke that your body is accustomed to, but you will find that your body DOES NOT REACT WELL for the first few days after going cold turkey on caffeine and you will develop a splitting headache.

Such as the one I am suffering through right now. In order to pass the time in a way that doesn’t result in me murdering everyone in my immediate vicinity, I have created a list of things that probably feel better than my current headache.

All the things that probably feel better than this caffeine headache:

1. A root canal with no anesthesia

2. Being drilled with a 99-mph fast ball on your funny bone. (Which I have witnessed Evan Gattis endure and NOT EVEN FLINCH.)

Evan Gattis
Dude is a beast.

3. Sitting in bumper-to-bumper traffic for three hours without moving a single inch in mid-July in Atlanta without A/C or water.

4. Going to your high school reunion in a dress that doesn’t look good on you and finding out that the girl who made fun of you mercilessly is now married to the guy you crushed on for all 4 years. And they’re both GORGEOUS, have evolved into good people, and her ring is the size of the moon.

5. Your home’s power and internet cutting out in the last 3 minutes of a TV show that you’ve marathoned 6 seasons of in the last two weeks.

6. Getting kicked in the chest by Jean Claude Van Damme.

7. Being tortured for information on a deserted island with bamboo shoots inserted under your fingernails.

As painful as that scene was to watch on LOST, it was totally worth it for what came next.

8. Eating one of those peppers so hot you have to sign a waiver to ingest, dipped in hot sauce that makes you cry.

9. Getting bit by a rabid animal and having to go through multiple rounds of painful rabies shots.

10. Getting dressed up for a fancy dinner with your longterm boyfriend, expecting a proposal, and getting dumped instead.

Although it did work out for Elle Woods

11. Being one of those people who hear about in the news who walked off a pier or into direct traffic because they were looking at their phone.

12. Having every hair on your body (including your head) waxed off at the exact same time.

13. Sitting in front of me at a concert, apparently.

14. Taking a flaming shot while it’s still flaming and catching your eyebrows on fire.

15. Being a Nationals fan.


16. Having your foot stomped on, at full force, by a very large woman wearing spike high heels. (No amount of foot spray is going to help that.)

17. Being covered from head to toe in thousands of paper cuts and very slowly lowered into a vat of lemon juice.

18. Cutting off your own hand on a rooftop in blazing Georgia summer heat, then cauterizing the wound with a hot frying pan.


19. Showing up to SunTrust Park expecting that you’d be able to enjoy the baseball game as an actual baseball fan.

20. Childbirth.