The Brilliance of Adult Disney Movies

They just announced the cast of the live-action Aladdin movie, and I’m pretty excited… Except for the whole Will Smith part, as I disagree with 99.9% of America in that I don’t really get his appeal. Maybe because I never watched Fresh Prince. But I suppose the guy playing the genie was always going to have a thankless job this time around, anyway. Anyway.

I’d like to talk about the brilliance of these adult Disney movies. I say “adult” Disney movies because, while I know they’re definitely children’s movies and they’re rated PG and they sell movie-related merchandise for little girls with a targeted age range of 4 – 15, let’s be honest. These movies are for us, the adults who grew up watching the animated versions of these movies. Who now, coincidentally, happen to have young daughters of our own who really want to see princess movies.

Her waist in this picture is to scale.

Man, Disney’s smart. So very, very smart. Why create brand new movies for young girls today (and c’mon, they definitely have the talent and money to churn out a new classic every two weeks if they wanted to,) when they can cash in on little girls and 20 and 30-something single women and young mothers all in one great, beast-sized swoop

Disney is having a re-Renaissance of their own 90’s Disney Renaissance, and they timed it just right for all of us girls who grew up dressing up as every Disney princess for Halloween and crushing on Aladdin.

Quick side note: You know how fanboys get all “Grr! Dr. Strange is supposed to be 3 ½ inches shorter than Benedict Cumberbatch! Grr! Katniss Everdeen is supposed to be younger and skinnier! Grr! Daryl Dixon doesn’t exist in the comics, you should kill him off! Pay attention to the source material!” I’ll just say this: If they don’t get the casting of Prince Eric in whatever upcoming live-action Aladdin movie that will almost certainly eventually happen EXACTLY RIGHT, I’ll burn Disney studios to the ground. THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THE WORLD.

Ahem. Anyway.

Beauty and the Beast on Broadway

I’m convinced Disney planned this out from the beginning. It’s all part of their elaborate, 30-year marketing strategy.

They gave us the animated musicals when we were little, then adapted them into Broadway musicals right when we hit high school and college so we could do them in school plays. And now they’re releasing these movies, starring very handsome, famous men that we currently crush on, as the princes that we grew up crushing on.

Basically, they timed it exactly right so that when we hit the moment in our lives when we realize that dreams don’t always come true, we aren’t all beautiful fairy princesses, and we should probably quit singing “Someday My Prince Will Come,” they shove these movies in our faces and are all, “Not so fast!! True love does exist! Just imagine: What if Matthew Crawley from Downton Abbey was the prince from your favorite princess movie? Or what if the prince in Cinderella was one of the Stark guys from Game of Thrones? Or, ooh hey here’s an idea, what if Gaston was played by that villainous, hot neighbor from The Girl on the Train?”

Dan Stevens - The Guest
Lady Mary would NOT approve.

Well, dang, Disney. I’m paying attention. Here’s my money. You said movie theaters sell wine now? Fantastic. I’ll have a bottle and fifteen tickets for every single one of my girlfriends. How early in advance can I buy tickets?

P.S. Here’s what I was able to find with info on all the upcoming Disney live action remakes. I’d like to start the #DarrenCrissforPrinceEric campaign now.

Darren Criss as The Little Mermaid's Prince Eric
This really happened during a “Little Mermaid” stage production. Click on the picture for video evidence.