Movies are expensive, so basically the only movies I see in the theater anymore are the ones that I know I absolutely have to see the minute they come out… Which, 99% of the time, end up being superhero movies.
Now don’t get me wrong, I love Marvel. I love Marvel. (Movies and TV shows, that is… I haven’t actually read any of the comic books. I AM STILL A VALID FAN. Don’t @ me.) But I’ve noticed that no matter how amazing a superhero movie is, they all follow the same basic format:
Nerdy guy or jerk guy attains superpowers. It’s a learning process at first, but when he finally figures out how to handle his powers, he runs around showing off. Then he realizes he’s in over his head when evil forces – either of this world or another – invade and he’s the only one who can stop them from DESTROYING THE ENTIRE PLANET. He saves the planet, with a little help from his friends, and is presented with a new opportunity to save people in the future. Pretty girl he’s been flirting with admits to her shared attraction. Roll credits.
Good format. Classic. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.
But just once, I’d like to see a movie that’s completely out of left field. Have a little fun with it. As someone who watches a significant amount of time watching Marvel properties, I’ve thought about this a lot.
So without further ado, I offer…
ALTERNATIVE SUPERHERO MOVIE IDEAS:
(Hollywood, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me when you read these million-dollar ideas.)
1. The superhero still has two parents who are healthy and happy and not tragically killed somehow.
2. Indiana Jones and the Team Up with Agent Carter
3. The good guys lose and everyone dies at the end.
4. The good guys lost and everyone in the movie is evil (the sequel is even better than the original)
5.Captain America vs. The New York Yankees (Captain America becomes a baseball player and realizes the Yankees as a team are the highest level of Hydra, and devotes his life to destroying them. By being the greatest athlete baseball has ever seen.)
6. The superhero musical that is absolutely terrible but becomes an instant cult classic (Alternatively titled: Rocky Horror, Except Everyone Has Superpowers)
7. Black Widow: The Movie (Assuming the excellent SNL version doesn’t get made)
8. Evildoers invade the planet and the only way to stop them is for Channing Tatum and Derek Hough to out-dance them.
9. It’s discovered that every drone, selfie stick, and Coke Freestyle machine are agents of evil and the superheroes must race against the clock to wipe every last one from the face of Earth.
10. FitzSimmons: The Movie (the two best characters from Agent of SHIELD deserve an entire trilogy focused solely on them.)
11. A superhero movie in which the people who own the most nail polish possess the most power.
12. Arrow: The Movie